As a mom of a 13-year-old boy, I often wonder whether his father and I are raising him the right way. So often, the things we hear about boys and men are negative. It’s hard not to worry. And then the constant "boys will be boys" messages make me question whether certain troublesome behaviors and attitudes are just part of the male makeup.
Experts say the answer to that is no: Boys' behaviors are more cultural than biological. “Parents, relatives, peers, teachers, and [the media] send messages to boys that they should be tough, unemotional, competitive, strong, and powerful,” says Emily W. Kane, a sociologist and author of The Gender Trap: Parents and the Pitfalls of Raising Boys and Girls. Boys may even learn they should expect deference from girls and women and it’s okay to objectify them, she adds. The result: Not-so-good boys.
Fortunately, since many of these behaviors are learned, there are things us parents can do to help guide our boys into becoming good men. Here are a few ways to foster and support boys at every age so they grow up to become the best versions of themselves.
The Toddler Years
Avoid gender stereotypes.
“Young children need the world to be as simple as possible, so putting people in a pink or blue box is an easy way for them to process the world,” says Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., author of Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue: How to Raise Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes. However, once that way of thinking is in place, it’s difficult to undo it.
Instead, avoid teaching gender stereotypes in the first place. Offer a variety of toys and activities, even if they’re typically considered to be for girls. Provide books and movies featuring characters of each gender and in non-traditional gender roles, such as male nurses and female athletes.
Also, be mindful of how your family divvies up chores. Take turns with your partner doing so-called feminine and masculine household tasks, and watch what you say and how you treat the opposite sex. Avoiding gender stereotypes will pay off in the long run. “Studies show that men who have fewer gender stereotypes report happier marriages and more positive romantic relationships,” says Dr. Brown.
Teach boundaries.
You don't have to go into sexual boundaries at this stage, but it’s important to let your son know very early that he has the right to determine who can touch his body, along with when and how, says Mike Domitrz, author of Can I Kiss You?
That means everyone, including grandma, has to get his permission before kissing or hugging him. If he refuses, don’t force it. (Sometimes it's good to offer the option of a kiss, a handshake or high-five, or a wave, but, again, he's allowed to say no to all three.) Then, teach him other people have the same rights — he isn’t allowed to touch someone or their belongings without their permission.
Elementary School
Prevent feelings of superiority.
One survey found that nearly 40% of fourth grade boys in the U.S. feel boys are smarter than girls. To prevent this line of thinking, encourage mixed-gender friendships. “The more you encourage boys to spend time with girls and see them as individuals, the harder it is for them to stereotype the whole group or think boys are better,” Dr. Brown says.
And this shouldn't be focused just on gender: It’s also important for boys to get along with and be tolerant of people with other differences. Teach him he should treat people with respect regardless of their race, gender, religion, socioeconomic status, or sexual orientation.
Encourage emotions.
Never tell your son, “Big boys don’t cry” or “You’re acting like a girl.” In addition to reinforcing gender stereotypes, that type of talk can actually be harmful. “If boys are cut off from honestly communicating hard feelings, the energy of the upset doesn’t simply diminish or go away; it can drive misbehavior and taint how a boy feels about himself and life in general,” says Michael C. Reichert, Ph.D. a psychologist and author of How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men.
According to a 2017 report by Promundo, a nonprofit that promotes gender justice, males who subscribe to more traditional gender norms, including hiding their emotions, are more likely to be depressed, have suicidal thoughts, and engage in risky behaviors. Therefore, it’s important to lend a listening ear and allow your son to express his emotions.
“When parents are able to establish a relationship with their son in which he is able to access them as listeners, he in turn is able to relieve himself of tensions, conflicts, and stresses that otherwise could take him away from his true self,” Dr. Reichert says. “More connected to his parents and to himself, he is better able to resist the pull of the peer culture — in boys’ case, of the brotherhood.”
Middle School
Foster healthy interactions.
Research shows that by the end of high school, about 90% of girls have been sexually harassed at least once in their life. The middle school years are a good time to explain to your son that unwanted or inappropriate sexual comments, jokes, or gestures — towards girls or boys — are never okay. Discuss appropriate ways to talk to their crushes and get their attention, and model what a healthy relationship looks like.
It might feel awkward, but you might start the conversation by asking what are some ways to show you like someone. Help your son learn how to smile at someone (in a welcoming, non-creepy way) or compliment the person. Also, help him practice being straightforward. “I like you. Would you like to…?” is a direct but non-pushy line, Domitrz says. Teach your son to be respectful of the person’s choice, whatever the response. “Tell him if the person isn’t interested, he should say, ‘Thanks for letting me know,’ instead of asking why or trying to change the answer,” says Domitrz, who is also founder of the Date Safe Project.
Another way to show your son how to interact with crushes is to model what a healthy relationship looks like. Some things you and your partner want to emphasize are being respectful of one another, putting time and effort into the relationship, showing appreciation, disagreeing with understanding and compassion, and apologizing when you’re wrong, Domitrz says.
A study published last year in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that teens raised in a positive family climate (read: Mom and Dad and other family members were loving and supportive of one another) tend to have better relationship problem-solving skills and were at less risk for relationship violence as young adults.
Tame “tough guy” behaviors.
Unfortunately, social expectations can make adolescent boys feel they have to be tough, aggressive, or even violent, says Kane. She recommends acknowledging those pressures directly. “That might mean telling your son, ‘I know a lot of the boys will say you need to be rough and tough, but there are lots of ways to be a boy or a man,’” she says. “Then, share models you think are good ones, such as older boys or men in your own family who honor peaceful conflict resolution or are compassionate and caring, or celebrities or other public figures you think model those tendencies.”
Limit the amount of violence your son is exposed to, and remind him that though anger and frustration are normal feelings, he can’t express them in ways that are threatening or violent to others. Help him find appropriate methods for handling those emotions.
Another issue that comes along with the so-called tough guy role is gender-based harassment. Boys that aren’t super masculine, don’t express themselves assertively and aggressively, or boys that don’t make objectifying comments about girls often get teased or called homophobic slurs by other boys, Dr. Brown says. Talk with your son and help him come up with ways to handle the teasing if he’s on the receiving end. If your son is doing the taunting, call him out on it. Remind him that there are many ways to be a man, and teasing or bullying another boy because he doesn’t fit in a box is not okay.
High School
Be explicit about consent.
With high school-age boys, you don't have to tiptoe around issues of consent anymore. Domitrz recommends laying out what is considered sexual assault, how to ask and give permission when it comes to sexual activity, and how drugs and alcohol can affect a person’s judgment and ability to give consent. Also, since older boys attend school with younger students, make sure you cover the legal age of consent in your state and age differences in relationships.
Stay engaged.
Just as parents are advised to have special one-on-one time with their young children, the same advice holds true when those children become adolescents. “Go and sit next to your son and do whatever he’s doing, whether it’s watching sports or playing a video game,” Dr. Reichert suggests. Often, boys begin to use the time purposefully. “They find a way to unload stresses, challenges and disappointments, and reveal things about their inner world,” says Dr. Reichert. Maintaining that one-on-one connection allows you to continue helping him navigate any difficult issues as he approaches manhood.
Looking for more? Find Boys Will Be, GoodHousekeeping.com's in-depth guide to raising boys, here.
Tamekia Reece
Tamekia Reece is a freelance writer in Houston, Texas specializing in women's health, parenting and finances.
